The Struggle for Control: Beginning at about 18 months of age, a child starts to develop a separate identify and initial independence. This can cause power struggles between parent and child. The struggle over control can clarify the child’s and the parent’s needs, and can be a useful process. However, when it becomes an ongoing contest for control, it is destructive to the parent-child relationship.

Power struggles can occur between parent and child when there is a class in needs, expectations or will. This conflict tends to generate strong emotions which make take precedent over the original issue or concern. A power struggle may feel like a personal attack or threat, promoting defensive maneuvering and reactivity. Each person becomes intent on winning the battle for control.

Why Kids Need Power: We all need power, a sense of being in charge of the direction and circumstances of our lives. “Self-empowerment” is the ability to motivate ourselves, manage intense emotions, be productive, and interact with others in a cooperative and harmonious manner. The skills necessary for effective self-empowerment are learned gradually through age-appropriate experience and practice. Parents are important models for teaching and using these essential skills. Kids also need guidance as well as safe limits and boundaries within to practice these skills.

Safety First! As soon as you recognize that you and your child are caught up in a power struggle, take a deep breath and step back, literally, from the situation. Change your priority from the issue that started the power struggle to safety. Power struggles have a frightening capacity to explode into an emotionally destructive, even physically dangerous battle. Avoid touching, as physical contact tends to escalate the conflict. Call a “time out” so that you can calm down and think clearly about what to do.

Guidelines for Calming a Power Struggle

• Calm your emotions first. Take deep, slow breaths, count to ten or 100, talk to yourself in a supportive, rational way.
• Recognize what’s happening between you and your child as well as within yourself.
• Acknowledge the struggle aloud and make the “time out” official. Tell your child “Let’s cool down, then talk about this in 10 minutes” (or some other definite time later).
• If your child persists with the argument or attack, ignore the attempts to get you back in the struggle. Walk away and refuse to fight.
• When you and your child get back together, stay calm and matter-of-fact. Avoid using absolute statements or blame. Acknowledge feelings (you don’t have to agree with them!), name the problem, then work together on solving it.

Getting Help: Ongoing power struggles are emotionally exhausting and can become physically dangerous. When you feel stuck and out of options, check out resources such as parenting books, parents support groups, on-line support, talking with other parents, your child’s teacher or school counselor, your primary health care provider, or a psychotherapist who specializes in working with children, teens, and family issues.